Sometimes I feel like the 13 year old girl I was a hundred years ago.
Really, how am I different than that gal? Am I different? I'm still funny, bossy, articulate, determined, and sometimes a brat. But, what has changed?
I looked at myself in the mirror a couple of weeks ago and said to my self -out loud- You are a grown-up! You are a grown-up? Really? Am I really?
Sometimes I look at people, talk to customers, friends, classmates, and even strangers and think, man have they got it all put together; I can't wait until I'm all grown up too.
WAIT.
According to some, I am.
When I was a kid, it was obvious who the grown-ups were. The grown-ups got to do fun stuff all the time, go to the grocery store, buy new clothes, wash the car. Grown-ups got to sit at the BIG table at Christmas, no longer relegated to the baby table.
Grown-ups have jobs, they pay bills, they are always busy. Grown-ups got to stay up late and watch TV, dance, and bang around pots and pans( that's what I thought my parents did at night after we went to bed, turns out they were just doing the dishes), they got to pick what was for dinner every night. Sometimes they would be pre-occupied with something "you don't need to worry about it". Lots of days they are grumpy, tired, and want things done the way they like it.
Grown-ups, fall in love and get married. Grown-ups can eat cake for breakfast, drive cars, and are made of money.
Well, here is the confusing part. I do those things (well, except for the made of money bit), but nothing feels different.
How did that happen? Why do I still feel like I am playing house, still feel like I am working for more, longing for more "adult" responsibilities?
What is this elusive MORE? The more I'm talking about isn't a cooler car, a bigger house, or trendier clothes. It is doing more, becoming more, a constant nagging thought.
Sometimes I am paralyzed by the thought of becoming more. I know there is room for improvement, but somehow I am held back by what I used to know, who I used to be. I think I probably waste a lot of time being upset because I haven't DONE more.
I am convinced at times that my artwork isn't up to snuff, that I will not be able to help anyone as an art therapist in the future, that I am too old to be doing any of this; I continually think about how far behind I feel when I look at other thirty-somethings.
My dad and I have talked about this at length, and he always seems to be able to talk me off the ledge, but lately I am so wrapped up in this! I am frustrating myself.
Right about now I am putting on my big girl pants, and am going to do something about this!
Here's to :
Less wasted time
More doing, less planning.
More time and attention for me, less for folks who will just do what they do...no matter what I do.
Love,
Me.
